The Problem With... Me (and the Hypocrisy of Caring)
Frankly, I prefer the version by Sir Thomas Browne in the Religio Medici (1642).
"Charity begins at home, is the voice of the world: yet is every man his greatest enemy."
The former is an idiom that, simply stated, means we should ensure our loved ones are taken care of before we extend outreach to the community. The theory being that we would create a solid foundation in our own personal microcosm; the collective of which would come together to form and allow us to better support our community.
The latter made me realize one source of my depression was my lack of individual identity.
My whole life was spent trying to please everyone while simultaneously and vigorously trying to avoid the same missteps of those in my life whom I felt let me down. I succeeded at avoiding some things, and failed at avoiding others - no matter how hard I tried.
Being a misfit my whole life didn't help. I just wanted to fit in and be liked, so I often resorted to the chameleon approach, conforming my identity to the person/group/situation.
It wasn't until I had the next epiphany - which didn't come easy - that I was able to break the cycle of chronic disappointment I was causing myself.
Epiphany - The Flight Attendants Are Right.
If you don't put the mask over yourself first, you won't be able to help others.
Fast forward a couple dozen years, and I find myself telling my kids the following as they experience the anguish of rejection, the lonliness of losing (or not making) friends, the heartache that comes with breaking up, etc.
"Charity doesn't begin at home, it begins with you, and you are your own best advocate."
"Find happiness in what fulfills you, and you will naturally attract people based on that energy you emanate, and they are more likely to be compatible because they share the same interests."
What I am now watching them do is tie their happines to others, just like I did, and I just want to scream until it sinks in, "Why won't you listen to me?!?!? Other people can't make you happy, only you can do that! Do you understand how badly I wish I could go back and tell my younger self! Don't be like me! Don't wait until your mid-40s to find yourself! Learn from my mistakes!"
But all I could hear in my head at the same time was "Why would they take my advice if I can't even lead by example? I'm such a hypocrite."
The emotional self-flagellation would seep in after any and every pep talk I gave them.
I couldn't let go of wanting to make everyone else happy. Including them. Especially them.
I was getting so frustrated watching them get hurt, and not be able to keep them happy, that I was falling back into the same trap. If they weren't happy, then I don't deserve to be happy.
This toxic philosophy was part of every relationship I had. What did that mean to me? It meant a codependent relationship with EVERY PERSON IN MY LIFE. Work, family, friends, everyone.
How did I break the cycle? I focused on finding me. Now they'll see me lead by example. Now I can break the cycle for my sake and theirs. Now I can breathe.