Where do I begin?
That is one of the hardest questions we can ever ask ourselves. "Where do I begin?"
My mom and I were discussing the state of the world and all its ills, the state of our lives and the losses we've experienced, and I suggested maybe it's time she find a new therapist. Her response?
"I don't want to have to keep telling my story over and over again from the beginning."
She's right. I remember thinking the same exact thing every time I went to a new therapist.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I feel like I've had to figure out where I start a million times, and each time brought the anxiety that I was about to relive a nightmare. I just had to, oh I don't know, impromptu scroll through the rolodex of nightmares in my head to get to one I thought was relevant on that day at that time, and that I had the strength to relive.
It wasn't until I was ready to actually participate in my healing that I had an epiphany.
Epiphany - Think of it as an audition.
I've heard my mom say it over and over — "You are your own best advocate."
I realized that if I'm going to get better, I needed to find the right therapist. They HAVE to be a match... and it took at least 5 or 6 tries over the last 25 years to finally find "the one".
Here are just some of my issues that got in the way ... I don't like offending people. I avoid conflict. I was just plain exhausted. I deluded myself that it was easier to be passive.
It would indeed have been "very easy" just to go through the motions with a therapist that's not a match. Benefit to me? ZERO. I've done that before. I needed to do something different. I had to get better for my family, for myself, for my job. People were counting on me. No matter how worthless I felt.
Drama runs in our family... err, I mean theater runs in our family (but kinda the other thing, too), and that gave me an idea. I prepared a monologue.
Only this time I wasn't the one auditioning, the therapist was (unbeknownst to them). I reached out to my insurance company and found out they offered 8 free sessions with a therapist. 8 tries. 8 auditions. I can do this.
But where do I start the monologue?
"Now," I told myself, "always start with now. Now is when we are, always. And right now I need help."
I kept it simple, wrote it down, refined and rehearsed it.
"I need help. I am in a major depressive state. I am not suicidal or self-harming, but I haven't left my basement in 2 weeks. My wife, kids, and family are worried if not down right scared. How can you help me?"
I wasn't looking for passive. I was looking for participatory. I wanted help, so I needed a partner. Someone who could get to know me and challenge me to think differently. Someone who could help me find the me I lost. If I didn't like their response - tone, tenor, content, approach, I would say, "Thank you, but I don't think we're a match."
It took some searching, but I am forever grateful for finding you five years ago, M.R. Thank you for everything.